Thoughts Before The Alarm Sounds

     I came across an item on Today which stated that Saturday, May 14th was World Naked Gardening Day . Thinking it was some kind of a gag, I did a little research, and it not only was not a gag – I discovered a couple of other nude holidays: June 11th is Naked Bike Riding Day and June 21st is Nude Hiking Day . Who knew?      Although I know some gardeners, I am pretty sure that none of them celebrated WNGD. I can't blame them because the weather was rather cold and damp, although that probably had nothing to do with their non-celebration of this great event.      I also know some bikers and hikers, and while the weather will probably be more agreeable in June, I doubt that anyone I know will be celebrating these little-known holidays. But I'll keep my eyes open, just in case.      During my research, I discovered that there are many unusual holidays; in fact, every day of the year has two or three. I h...

     An escapade by a magisterial district judge made headlines in the local newspapers, but was probably relegated to page 10 in other areas.      In Pennsylvania such judges conduct criminal arraignments and preliminary hearings, issue arrest warrants and search warrants in some cases; hear civil disputes involving $8,000.00 or less, and Landlord-Tenant disputes other than matters involving title to real estate; issue temporary Protection from Abuse Act orders; decide traffic, game law, and fish and boat code cases; conduct marriages, administer oaths and affirmations, etc. They are elected for six-year terms, and draw an annual salary of $80K.      The judge apparently thought it was funny to hand out acorns stuffed with condoms to women near the State Capitol. Two of the women he approached disagreed with his humor, and complained to the Capitol Police. The judge was arrested forthwith and charged with disorderly conduct....

      The Encarta Dictionary defines the term double-entendre as “ambiguity in which one meaning is sexually suggestive.” Although it’s true that this category is often the home of the risqué pun, I think that definition is way too narrow; I expanded this category to include any joke with a double meaning. For example, a mondegreen (see my blog of August 31, 2009) is not even recognized as a joke when it happens, but it becomes humorous when it is retold. If someone mistakes the hymn, “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear” for “Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear,” it is not funny until someone retells it. For that reason, I consider the retelling of mondegreens, or for that matter any misunderstood words, as being jokes in the double-entendre category. Some of the following examples are rated TVMA14-D.       Question: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?       Answer: You can unscrew a light bulb *...

      Jokes in Category 6, distortion of ideas, take some generally accepted viewpoint of life, and twist it to the point where the outcome is completely unexpected. As the 1909 Times article says, “The simplest is the deformity of something that is regarded as good manners, or good morals, or dead certain to happen. Twist it around and the joke lies in having your story come out the other way.” Two examples follow:       The fairway at the ABC Country Club ran alongside a highway. As one foursome played along the course, a funeral procession passed by. One of the golfers removed his cap and held it over his heart until all the cars had passed. Another member of the foursome commented upon how touched he was that his partner had shown so much respect for the deceased, to which the respectful golfer replied, “Well, it was the least I could do. We would have been married twenty-five years next Saturday.” ******     ...

      In some languages the subject of a sentence is indicated by its ending. If words are written out of their normal sequence, the reader can still make sense of the sentence. For example, in such a language, if I write “man bites dog” when I really mean to write “dog bites man,” the reader still understands what I mean to say because the ending of “dog” indicates that it is the subject, not the object, of the sentence.       Not so in English. Obviously, the wrong word order can completely change the meaning of a sentence.       This characteristic of the language is a source of jokes for Category 5: Distortion of language. Here is an example. Warning – This story is rated TVMA14–L. ****** Upon seeing a beautiful, statuesque nurse, a patient remarked about her to the doctor: Patient: “You certainly have a beautiful nurse.” Doctor: “Yes, she is very beautiful, but she always gets things backwards. If I t...

      Although Category 4, distortion of pronunciation, is probably home to some non-ethnic jokes, I couldn’t find any. Because I promised an example for every category, I submit the following with my sincerest apologies: ******   Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.       Here's what he handed in: HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little." OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING. KENYA - I needed change for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare...

      Category 3, distortion of spelling, is the home of many, many puns, so love 'em or hate 'em, it's pun time. Puns, or "groaners" as some folks like to call them, are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are so called . . . so enjoy ‘em and pass 'em on! ****** A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating: always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. When you dream in color, it...

      The statement “There are only seven jokes – all the rest are variations,” has been around for a long time, but no one ever seems to know what the original seven are. I think I have found the solution to the mystery.       The answer is to be found in an article published in the New York Times on May 2, 1909. Entitled “New Jokes? There Are No New Jokes, There Is Only One Joke,” it goes on to say that all jokes are a distortion, and lists seven categories of distortion. Supposedly every joke will fit into one of the categories. I believe that repetition changed the seven categories into the seven jokes.       Each of my next seven blogs will be devoted to exploring one of the categories. In addition, I shall attempt to give an example or two of jokes which I think fit the category.       You must realize that this article appeared over one hundred years ago, so most of the jokes a...