Wednesday, May 5, 2010

There Are Only Seven Jokes - Category 7

      The Encarta Dictionary defines the term double-entendre as “ambiguity in which one meaning is sexually suggestive.” Although it’s true that this category is often the home of the risqué pun, I think that definition is way too narrow; I expanded this category to include any joke with a double meaning. For example, a mondegreen (see my blog of August 31, 2009) is not even recognized as a joke when it happens, but it becomes humorous when it is retold. If someone mistakes the hymn, “Gladly the Cross I’d Bear” for “Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear,” it is not funny until someone retells it. For that reason, I consider the retelling of mondegreens, or for that matter any misunderstood words, as being jokes in the double-entendre category. Some of the following examples are rated TVMA14-D.


      Question: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
      Answer: You can unscrew a light bulb
******
      A lady told her veterinarian that her dog had been acting nervous.
      Veterinarian: “Let’s check him out.” After looking him over, the veterinarian said, “He’s fine. He has some long hairs in his ears, and they tickle him. Get rid of those and he should be OK.”
      Lady: “How do I do that?”
      Veterinarian: “The easiest way is to go to the drugstore, and get some Nair hair remover. Put it on the long hairs, and they’ll be gone in no time.”
      While the lady waited for the pharmacist to wrap her purchase, she asked, “How do I use this stuff?”
      Pharmacist: Well it needs to be diluted with water. Mix it five to one for use on your legs, and ten to one for use under your arms.”
      Lady: “Oh no. I am going to put it on my schnauzer.”
      Pharmacist: “In that case make it twenty to one, and you had better stay off of your ten-speed for a few days.”
******
      NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
      During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
      They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
      After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
******
      A customer carried a small suitcase into a bar. Placing the suitcase on the bar, he said to the bartender: “Let me show you something.” He opened the suitcase and brought out a tiny man, just one foot high, and a little piano and bench. The little man sat down on the bench and began to play requests – classical, jazz, pop, anything and everything.
      Bartender: “Hey, that’s really neat. Where did you get something like that?”
      Customer: “I’ll show you.” He again reached into the suitcase and brought out a lamp. Handing it to the bartender, he said, “Rub it.”
      When the bartender rubbed the lamp, the proverbial genie popped out and said, “Whoever rubbed the lamp is entitled to one free wish.”
      Bartender: “OK. I’d like to have a million bucks.”
      Genie: “Granted.” The door opened and ducks began to pile in - large ducks, small ducks, ducks of all colors, hundreds, thousands and more.
      Bartender: “You know, I think your genie has a hearing problem.”
      Customer: “Tell me about it. Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
******
      After getting nailed by a drone, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington said, while slapping Osama in the face.
      Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
      James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
      Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
      As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "This is not what I was promised!"
      An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you . . . What the hell did you think I said?”
******
      As Porky Pig said, “Th . . . th . . . that’s all folks.” I hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I enjoyed writing them. Please let me know if you have any comments or suggestions. In particular, let me hear about any jokes which do not fit in any of the categories.
******
      What was man like before the development of speech? Of course, we will never really know, but undoubtedly he shared some of the characteristics of lower animals.
      We know that some higher animals dream, so most likely early man also had dreams. For example, when a dog sleeps, he sometimes wags his tail or emits growls. It is quite natural to assume he is dreaming of something pleasurable in the first instance, and a threatening situation in the second. It is likely that early man had similar dreams. Probably he enjoyed a good meal, both in his daily life and in his dreams. Whether awake or asleep, he undoubtedly encountered situations which aroused fear, and in either case he fled just as a gazelle flees from an approaching lion.
      The Growth of Language – The Spirit Runs Through It.

      The book and/or a free look inside is available in paperback or on Kindle at Amazon

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