Tuesday, May 4, 2010

There Are Only Seven Jokes - Category 6

      Jokes in Category 6, distortion of ideas, take some generally accepted viewpoint of life, and twist it to the point where the outcome is completely unexpected. As the 1909 Times article says, “The simplest is the deformity of something that is regarded as good manners, or good morals, or dead certain to happen. Twist it around and the joke lies in having your story come out the other way.” Two examples follow:
     
The fairway at the ABC Country Club ran alongside a highway. As one foursome played along the course, a funeral procession passed by. One of the golfers removed his cap and held it over his heart until all the cars had passed. Another member of the foursome commented upon how touched he was that his partner had shown so much respect for the deceased, to which the respectful golfer replied, “Well, it was the least I could do. We would have been married twenty-five years next Saturday.”
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                December 1st
      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
      Merry Christmas to you and your family.
      Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

      December 2nd

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
      Happy Holidays to you and your family.
      Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

      December 3rd

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
      Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director

      December 7th

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
      Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director

      December 9th

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
      Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces

      December 10th

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
      The Bitch from Hell!

      December 14th

      TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
      I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
      Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
      (Jokes Galore)
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As always, I ask my readers to click on the “Comments” button below, and add any thoughts, additions or jokes they may have to the list. The category for tomorrow is distortion of meaning (double entendre).

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      It is important to note that the creative activity does not judge the value of its output. Consider the following:
      Hester, a physical fitness devotee in her mid-20s, ate all the right foods, exercised regularly and got eight hours of sleep every night. During her annual physical checkup, the doctor discovered a lump in her abdomen. After exhaustive testing, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. An aggressive series of treatments was begun, and the cancer soon went into remission. But gradually it returned, and eventually she succumbed to it at the age of 31.
      Some unknown aspect of Hester’s nature or nurture combined with the cells of her pancreas to create a chaotic growth. Chemotherapy, radiation, etc. were able to halt the growth temporarily, but the underlying pathological activity was too strong to resist.
      Introduction – The Spirit Runs Through It.

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