Thoughts Before The Alarm Sounds

      Although Category 4, distortion of pronunciation, is probably home to some non-ethnic jokes, I couldn’t find any. Because I promised an example for every category, I submit the following with my sincerest apologies: ******   Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.       Here's what he handed in: HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little." OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING. KENYA - I needed change for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare...

      Category 3, distortion of spelling, is the home of many, many puns, so love 'em or hate 'em, it's pun time. Puns, or "groaners" as some folks like to call them, are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be prepared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are so called . . . so enjoy ‘em and pass 'em on! ****** A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating: always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. When you dream in color, it...

      In my last blog I explored the first of seven categories, each representing a distortion of reality; every joke fits into one of the categories. Today I take a look at the second category: distortion of body parts.       Not surprisingly, most locker room humor finds a home in this category. In fact, any joke fitting this category is almost by definition risqué, if not actually lewd.       However, I have managed to find a couple of rather long examples that avoid “potty mouth” language and sexual situations, although because of the delicate nature of the settings, I suggest you consider them rated TVMA14-D. Enjoy. ******       One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. While on this luxury airplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "Inside there are 3 buttons; whatever you do don't press the third one."     ...

      The first category of jokes is a distortion of truth, in other words, a lie. Here is a clear example: Ram and Sham were talking together: RAM: Do you drink? SHAM: No,no at all. RAM: Do you smoke? SHAM: No,not at all. RAM: Do you do anything which is not socially acceptable? SHAM: Yes, I just tell lies. (Jokes Galore) ******       Although their I.Q. range is pretty much the same as that of the population as a whole, certain sets of people, e.g., blondes, Pollocks, Irish, Jews and other ethnic groups have been singled out for special ridicule. Supposedly the gullibility of these folks makes them easy targets for the lie, therefore many of the jokes at the expense of these groups fall into this category. Hence the following: A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely in...

      The statement “There are only seven jokes – all the rest are variations,” has been around for a long time, but no one ever seems to know what the original seven are. I think I have found the solution to the mystery.       The answer is to be found in an article published in the New York Times on May 2, 1909. Entitled “New Jokes? There Are No New Jokes, There Is Only One Joke,” it goes on to say that all jokes are a distortion, and lists seven categories of distortion. Supposedly every joke will fit into one of the categories. I believe that repetition changed the seven categories into the seven jokes.       Each of my next seven blogs will be devoted to exploring one of the categories. In addition, I shall attempt to give an example or two of jokes which I think fit the category.       You must realize that this article appeared over one hundred years ago, so most of the jokes a...

      A recent ruling by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court has created a windfall for most retirement communities in the state. Prior to the ruling, retirement communities were exempt from real estate taxes on property used for assisted living and nursing care facilities. Property devoted to independent living facilities was subject to such taxes. The court decided that the exemption was to be applied at the institutional level – not parcel by parcel. Thus if a retirement community was deemed to be a (C)ontinuing (C)are (R)etirement (C)ommunity, all of its property should be exempt from real estate taxes. The exemption is not automatic – CCRCs must apply for it.       Naturally retirement communities all over the state began filing for exemption. In the Lancaster area, one such community made headlines when it won approval to pay the taxing authorities an annual $400,000 payment-in-lieu-of-taxes (PILOT) instead of the $900,000 it had been ...

      Recently I acquired The Book of Genesis Illustrated , by R. Crumb, an illustrator whose work is quickly recognizable through the style of his drawings. According to Wikipedia, “The book includes annotations explaining his reactions to the stories. It is reported on NPR in October 2009, that it was a four-year effort and does not rewrite any part of the text. Much research was done by Mr. Crumb in the earlier language versions of the text to support the interpretations. It contains all fifty chapters of Genesis and comes with a warning on its cover: ‘Adult Supervision Recommended for Minors.’”       It is interesting to observe most people’s first reaction when I mention the book: “How does he depict Adam and Eve?”       Well, they look a lot like the rest of us, and of course they are dressed in whatever attire the Bible calls for. In the beginning they are wearing nothing, and yes, they are anatomically ...

      It’s not often that I agree with George Will, but his column in Monday’s paper was an exception. It was headed, “If VAT, ditch the income tax.” So what is the VAT (Value Added Tax)?       VAT is a form of sales tax – but the tax is collected as value is added through production instead of on the end product. The result is the same. Here is an example:*       Suppose the end product is an agricultural product, and the VAT is 10%. 1) The farmer sells it to the packer for .50 per pound plus 10%, or .55. He remits the .05 to the government. He must show the VAT (.05) as a separate amount to his customer. 2) The packer sells it to the wholesaler for .90 per pound plus 10%, or .99. He remits the .09 minus the .05 paid previously, (net .04) to the government. His gross profit is .99 - .04 - .55 = .40, which is the same as if he had bought it for .50 and sold it for .90. He must show the cumulative VAT (.09)...

      Much to no one’s surprise, a front page story yesterday proclaimed “No Faith In Government.” The latest Pew Research Poll shows that Americans’ faith in government at all levels is at its lowest point in the last half-century. The March poll indicated that only 22% of Americans trust the Federal Government, compared to lows of 29% during the administrations of Jimmie Carter and Bill Clinton. Only 12% of Republicans trust the government, and although their party is presently in office, only 33% of Democrats trust the government.       52% think the political system is just fine; it’s the politicians, particularly members of Congress, who are receiving most of the blame for the poor numbers.       People’s reasons for their feelings vary; when questioned, one tea party member said, “Politicians make promises to get elected, and when they get elected, they don’t follow through.” But this is not new – politic...

      President Obama has announced a change in NASA’s mission; he has decided that the agency should bypass the moon, and concentrate instead on developing the necessary equipment for deep space exploration of the solar system.       He has also decided to rely on private contractors to handle near-earth orbit functions – for example, ferrying astronauts to the International Space Station. In this way, NASA can concentrate and what it does best, the application of science to space technology, and beaucoup jobs will hopefully be created in the private sector.       Not surprisingly, opposition to the plan surfaced immediately – Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, criticized the decision; on the other hand, “Buzz Aldrin, the second moonwalker, endorsed it. Congress has yet to weigh in on the plan.       The announcement brings into focus the different styles of planning. ...

      With the retirement of John Paul Stevens, President Obama has a chance to nominate a second justice to the Supreme Court. It is interesting to see journalists from the right whipping up a feeding frenzy, looking not for the best person, but to defeat whomever the President nominates. I believe if Jesus Christ were Obama’s nominee, the conservatives would try to derail Him.       This past Wednesday Cal Thomas was pushing the idea that “Liberal presidents invariably nominate liberal judges.” I would think that the converse is also true: Conservative presidents invariably nominate conservative judges.       But Cal says no, and he points to the nomination of Earl Warren by Eisenhower, Sandra Day O’Conner and Anthony Kennedy by Ronald Reagan, David Souter by George H. W. Bush, and of course Stevens by Gerald Ford.       I give it to Cal on these, with the exception of Kennedy, who s...

      Inspiration comes in many forms. Perhaps the best known example is that of James Watson who, along with Francis Crick, discovered the structure of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) because of a dream Watson had about a series of spiral staircases.       Although originally trained in physics, Crick began the study of biology after WWII. In 1951 he met James Watson, who shared his interest in discovering how genetic information could be stored in molecular form. It was with this intense background in mind that Crick had his insightful dream.       Although not inspired by a dream, the following is another example of inspiration: Sir Isaac Newton had invented the calculus, and had formulated his laws of motion. One day he saw an apple fall from a tree. He wondered why the apple always fell toward the center of the earth; why not fall sideways or upward? He soon realized that if gravity extended as far out from t...

      Tuesday afternoon a friend and I had the rare privilege of being invited back for a tour of my old high school. Actually, it’s my alma mater, but it’s definitely not my old high school.       In the first place, the name has been changed - we attended Manheim High School – now it’s called Manheim Central High School. Our old building has been practically abandoned, and the new one, now over 50 years old, is located on what was farm land way outside of town when we went there. Actually, only part of the building is over 50 years old – it has been augmented several times since its original construction.       There were about 300 students back in 1946; now there are well over 1,000.       Groups that shared a room in the old days: choral, orchestra (which we didn’t even have), drama, etc. now have separate rooms. The weight room for the football team is way bigger than the entire ...

      A recent poll by researchers at George Mason University indicates that 55% of meteorologists believe in human-induced global warming, 25% don’t believe, and 20% don’t know.       This parallels a recent CNN poll of the general public – when asked “. . . from what you have heard or read, do you believe increases in the Earth's temperature over the last century are due more to the effects of pollution from human activities, or natural changes in the environment that are not due to human activities?", 50% replied human activities, 46% said natural causes, and 5% were unsure.       On the other hand, a survey published in 2009 by Peter Doran and Maggie Zimmerman of Earth and Environmental Sciences, University of Illinois at Chicago, of 3146 Earth Scientists found that more than 97% of specialists on the subject (i.e. "respondents who listed climate science as their area of expertise and who also have publishe...

      Lancaster General Health is about to open four walk-in clinics in Lancaster County. Three of the clinics, called Wellcare Express, will treat minor problems such as bronchitis, colds, strains and rashes. The fourth, named Urgent Care, will be available for more serious problems: sprains, burns, cuts, etc. The Wellcare Express clinics will be attended by a nurse practitioner and a staff person, while the Urgent Care clinic will have a physician in attendance.       Although the Urgent Care clinic will be equipped with X-ray and laboratory equipment, the Wellcare Express clinics will not, neither will they draw blood. All will offer shots, health screenings, and school and camp physicals.       A visit to the clinics will cost $59, payable by insurance, cash or credit card. This covers the cost of being seen – the news release did not specify whether additional charges may apply, although I assume they...

      In the blog “Dark Science” on April 4th, I wrote about the similarity between the search for “luminiferous aether,” during the 19th century, and “dark matter” during the 21st century. Both of these are good examples of what scientists do.       Both experiments follow the same pattern. Here is an outline of the general procedure: 1.) A scientist observes an event in his particular area of expertise – an event that has some questionable aspect, such as light waves traveling through empty space without an intervening medium, or the actual mass of the universe exceeds the sum of the observable mass. He postulates some reasonable explanation such as luminiferous aether or dark matter. 2.) He sets up an experiment or observation whereby his postulate can be tested. (Michelson-Morley Experiment or the Large Hadron Collider.) 3.) He runs the experiment and systematically observes the results. 4.) He interprets the results based on...

      The theory that light consists of waves was proposed as early as the last half of the 17th century, and was almost universally accepted until the late 19th century. However, the theory did pose a significant problem.       It was thought that waves always were propagated through some kind of medium. For example, water waves needed water to spread and sound waves needed air. But how could light waves propagate through empty space? How did light from the sun travel through the vacuum of space to arrive on earth?       So scientists came up with the idea of the “luminiferous aether,” an invisible medium which pervaded space. This idea held sway until 1887, when Albert Michelson and Edward Morley performed their ground-breaking experiment which proved that the luminiferous aether did not exist. Although in some experiments light appeared to be a wave, it did not require a propagating medium.   ...

      In my blog of March 29, There Is Life Outside Of Football , I wrote some disparaging things about the science curriculum at my old high school. Shortly thereafter I received a very polite email from Mr. Seth Kensinger, the AP Chemistry teacher at Manheim Central. Since then I have talked to him on the telephone, and received an education about how things are done outside the blog world.       I was concerned that no students from Manheim Central entered the Annual North Museum Science and Engineering Fair in Lancaster. He was very familiar with the fair – he had entered it as a student, later served as a judge of the entries, and even had a few students who entered projects. It is his contention that there are some political shenanigans that are not always conducive to the welfare of the entrants.       He told me, “Instead of the pushing the science fair at MC, we offer team-oriented opportunities such a...

      Several stories of abridgement of free speech rights have been in the news lately.       Yesterday arch-conservative Carl Rove was shouted down during the course of a book-signing event in Beverly Hills, California. About 100 persons had paid $40 to hear Rove discuss his book, "Courage and Consequences: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight." One protestor called Rove a “war criminal,’” while another waved a pair of handcuffs with which she ostensibly planned to make a citizen’s arrest. Rove was forced to leave the stage without signing any books.       While I seldom agree with anything Rove has to say, I firmly believe shouting down a person trying to present his case, unpopular though his case may be, is about as un-American as one can get.       Rove was there to discuss his viewpoint. Anyone who disagreed with that viewpoint had an equal right to stand and discuss the diff...

      It’s time for my annual rant about the condition of science non-students at my alma mater. This happens whenever the winners of the North Museum and Science Fair are announced. At least it starts that way, although it expands a bit by the time I get to the end. Stay with me.       If this were about football, it would be a glowing review. Since 1992, Manheim Central’s record is been 215 and 29 – not too bad. A football scholarship to Penn State is considered a very successful high school career.       But it’s not about football.       I counted winners from 16 Lancaster County Schools at this year’s science fair. How many were there from Manheim Central? None, nada, nil, zilch, goose egg! Same as last year! I don’t think they even had anyone entered!       I have spoken to several of my classmates and other alumni about this lack, and what do I get? “We...